SO here it goes…
The hardest part of starting a blog is that very first real post. You really want it to say something totally profound, thought-provoking, or hilarious. It needs to make an important impression. And you definitely don’t want to sound like giant boob. So, I figured I needed to just go for it. Get it over with. So, here it goes…
I am terrified of entering the job market. I graduate in a little over a month, and still feel completely lost. What if I am really delusional and suck at this writing thing? What is I can’t hack it? What if I can’t live up to the expectations I have set for myself? What if I disappoint my family? What if I can’t find a job, and my student loans come due? We don’t have any savings to cover the expenses. And childcare is outrageous. How will I afford both my loans and childcare on an entry-level salary?
It is enough to make anyone want tear their eyes out and run screaming for the hills. But I know I chose the right path for my family. I have to believe that everything will work out at least decently. I have to trust myself. I know what I’m doing, at least partly. I worked hard, pushed myself, and I am happy with what I have accomplished. I might be scared, but I won’t let that stop me from reaching my goal.
I have always been goal oriented, I have set the bar and reached for it. I was a teen mom. I got pregnant the summer before my senior year. I spent that year struggling to find who I was going to be as a 17-year-old and as a mother. I set myself a goal: to graduate high school before the baby came (She was due March 27th, and graduation was in June). I did it. I applied to an alternative high school in addition to the regular school. I finished in January. I still wanted to go to college, but I didn’t belive it was possible for me. I was a single parent, a single mom of 17. I set a goal, went for it, and now I sit on the precipice of achievement. I had a goal to be a non-smoker before I graduated, it has been a month since I last smoked. I am comfortable that I will not start again any time soon. I have set goals and reached them, but every time I get to the end, to nearing the finish line, I panic? I balk at the face of change even though I initiated the motion.
I don’t have an answer.
Well, I don’t have a good answer, anyway. Not the answer I would like tell people, or enjoy showing to the world.
My not-so-fantastic answer is simply that I am a chicken. I am afraid of the unknown and I let it tie my panties in a knot. I refuse to have my underpants tied up any longer. *Big sigh* That actually is kinda relieving (and it makes sitting much more comfortable).
Just putting my crazy thoughts out into the Ether. It’s liberating. I embrace what is coming for me. My family is amazing and support me. That is all the confidence I really need. It doesn’t matter if any one else thinks I can make it, because I believe I can make it. I believe in myself, or at least I try to.
That’s my little personal pep talk for today, hope you enjoyed it. Maybe, I will try to be funny next time 🙂